Let’s start this off on the right foot. I happen to love America. I live in Canada, but culturally, I’m pretty much an American. I admire you people for being hard-working and innovators of some of the most important things in the world. Having said that, I must also say that you guys are so fat. Like super fat. Every time I go into the States, I am shocked by the sheer amount of extra skin and blubber waddling around me. Keep in mind, I’m mostly talking about Seattle (the closest American city to where I live). If people there are fat, I can only imagine what it’s like in the middle parts of the country – the parts where “Here Comes Honey Boo” seems snobby.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why you guys are so huge. Whenever I eat at an American restaurant, the servings are absolutely humongous. There is no feasible reason why anyone should be served so much food on a single plate. And that’s just one symptom of what’s going on. In a way, you guys have become a victim of your own success. Being the richest country in the world, you’ve had a lot of time on your hands to figure out how to make food taste even better. You’ve also got huge corporations that make money off of turning people into fat blobs who can’t stop eating.
It takes a lot to shock me when it comes to food. I’ve seen all kinds of cuisines that range from decadent to downright disgusting. But every once in a while, there’s a food created in America that defies logic. Sure you can eat it, but why would you? Its very existence is an insult to starving people in other countries. It’s disgusting in its own way, even if it might taste like heaven.
It is said the Apocalypse will be foreshadowed by supernatural events. But at the rate Americans are getting fat, it might just come in the form of an obese nation that has forgotten how to take care of themselves. If this is the way the apocalypse happens, then there are Four Horseman who will bring about all the destruction. These foods already exist and instead of eating them, they should terrify you. These are the Four Horsemen of the Fat Apocalypse, and they will kill us all if we’re not careful.
The Bacon Shake – you know you’ve got way too much time on your hands when you start dropping Bacon into milkshakes. There’s just no way those two things should ever come into contact. This Bacon Shake is only available at Jack in the box, but there is also a bacon Sunday available at Denny’s. When did we start adding bacon to ice cream? It’s a turning point in human history, and one that we can’t go back from. It’s got to stop now if we expect something better for the next generation.
Deep Fried Butter on a Stick – just think about this before you eat it. It’s a butter! It’s butter! BUTTER! You’ve got a stick of butter dipped into a vat of oil and fried until the outside is crispy. Why on earth would you ever eat such a thing? Imagine what it’s doing to your insides, and think about the overall fat content of a stick of butter.
Burger with Donut Buns – holy hell, this is not anything that should exist. It’s a burger with fricken donuts instead of a bun. How fat do you want to be? How much do you hate yourself? How much do you not care that there are starving children who will never ever get to eat a burger or a doughnut. It’s a slap in the face of everything sacred to combine these two foods and consume them at the same time. The thought of this food should induce vomit, but for some, it’s an appetizing idea. How much do you want to bet that they are fatsos?
Golden Corral Chocolate Fountain – just because you can build a fountain that spouts chocolate doesn’t mean you should. It’s just plain disgusting. Has anybody thought about the hygiene of such a contraption? It recycles the chocolate pooled at the bottom and pumps it back up to the top. Don’t forget the fact you’re dipping your food in the same chocolate some other fat blob has just used. It’s a fountain of germs just sitting in the middle of the restaurant waiting to give you diabetes. Even worse, this is actually a selling point for Golden Corral – that means they’re proud of it! How can any corporation be proud of the fact that they serve customers who actually want something so disgusting?
Cheeseburger Ringed Pizza – yes it’s a pizza with many cheeseburgers that serve as the crust. It exists, and it looks like a flying saucer from the planet Fat.
Triple Double Oreo – “triple” is never a term you want to associate with any food. “Double” is fine but once you go higher, then it’s just gluttonous.
Bacon-Wrapped Meatloaf – oh hey, we just wrapped a bunch of bacon around meatloaf and see if we don’t get a heart attack.
KFC’s Double Down – again, here we go wrapping junk in other junk. In this case we’ve got two fillets of chicken that keep together bacon, cheese, and what’s left of your dignity.
Deep Fried Kool Aid – as if the Kool Aid man didn’t have enough trouble crashing his fat body through walls, he won’t even be able to get up off the couch if we start to deep fry his juices.